pdb

The scene: pdb is on vacation in Florida! On the eve of departure he is at the Deerfield Beach (which has neither deer, or fields, nor beaches) Wallymart to return a defective air mattress and purchase some carbonated caffiene for the drive home. After spending 30 minutes waiting in line at the customer service desk, he has completed task one and is on to task two!

Having obtained said beverages, pdb is standing in line at the closest ‘Express’ checkout lane. First at the register is a USGI Florida Codger, a wizened retiree wearing a USS Nimitz cap and holding the arm of his equally wrinkled wife. They have loaded up the ‘20 items or less’ conveyor with what appears to be close to the legal limit of 20 items, if not more.

(Aside: pdb is of the opinion that in matters of the ‘x items or less’ lines, it’s like speeding. We don’t pull people over for doing 56 in a 55 (at least outside of darkest Yankeeland, but why would you be there anyway?), and likewise, if you can’t tell at a glance if the person ahead of you has more than x items, then let it go. Life is too short to bitch about 21 or 23 items.)

Behind the Codger are two south Florida Lizard Women. You know the type. They’re desperately staving off the onset of age with frequent visits to the tanning salon and the plastic surgeon, have installed misshapen bolt-on boobs and wear glopped on makeup and spandex pants. The effect is highly Joisey.

The Lizard Women are each clutching a small selection of sundries, and are chewing gum and clicking at each other with exasperation at the slow speed of the Vet Codger ahead of them.

“Oh my GOD, this is going to take FOREVER!” whines one to the other.

“That guy has a lot of stuff, I don’t think he should even BE in this line!”

“Seriously! Hey, you!” Codger looks up in confusion. “Yeah, you! It’s TWENTY items or LESS! It says so on the SIGN!”

Codger ignores the Lizard Woman and continues placing his purchases on the conveyor.

Lizard Woman glares at the cashier, a middle aged Vietnamese woman. “Aren’t you going to DO SOMETHING?”

Cashier ignores Lizard Woman.

“Hey, can’t you READ? It said TWENTY ITEMS, man!”

Lizard Woman directs her gaze to pdb: “Don’t you just HATE THAT?!”

“Lady, I just spent half an hour in the customer service line. What’s another 5 minutes? Leave the guy alone.”

Lizard Woman flares her nostrils and snorts at pdb, who smiles sweetly back at her.

“Oh My God, fucking OLD PEOPLE!” Lizard Woman declares to her companion.

“Seriously!”

Thankfully, the cashier finishes scanning Codger’s items, and he quickly pays and leaves without another word. The cashier speedily scans Lizard Woman #1’s items (three vials of makeup, two frozen pizzas, a jar of mayo and a tabloid magazine) and LW#1 swipes her magic plastic money card.

It is denied! DRAMA.

It is swiped again! Again it is denied!

It is run through as debit, and that is denied!

Another card is tried, and it too is denied!

“Oh My God, what happened? I just got paid! Something’s like, wrong, with like, this machine!”

Lizard Woman glares at pdb, as if it was his fault.

pdb smiles sweetly and offers a solution!

“If you want to make a quick $20, I can wait for you in the parking lot.”

Time passes.

pdb’s heart momentarily freezes! He realizes there is a nonzero possibility that his offer might be accepted! It is a verbal contract, after all!

Fortunately, the reaction is offense!

“Fuck you!” LW turns to the cashier, “HOLD THESE!” She grabs her companion’s basket, thrusts it at the cashier, and both unsteadily wobble off on their high heeled boots to a nearby ATM.

The cashier stifles a grin as pdb places his objects on the conveyor.

“Did you find everything you were looking for, sir?”

“Yes, I certainly did!”

Interestingly enough, pdb was challenged by a level 3 angry drunk dude the evening before at that same Wal-Mart! It’s quite the happening place!