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Cooking For People Who Hate Cooking: pdb’s Stupid Easy Roasted Chicken

Knowing more than a few people who enjoy eating but are too busy or intimidated to cook themselves, I thought I’d type up a couple of my favorite stupid easy recipes. Today, I urge you to shun the dessicated under a heat lamp Walmart rotisserie chicken and roast your own damn chicken.

Here’s what you need:

  • One fresh whole bird
  • Olive oil
  • Good sized onion
  • Spices: Salt, pepper, garlic powder, (optional: granulated onion and rosemary)
  • Aluminum baking sheet (a rack is nice, but not required)

That’s it!

First, take your chicken:


Remove from plastic, and be careful to not nick the skin or fat layer when you’re cutting the plastic off. I did this (shut up, I was drinking). Set it on the pan.

See all this junk inside the carcass?


Throw it out.

Take your onion and peel it, then cut into eights. Then stuff that sucker up in there:


You could also put in a lemon or something similar if you had one on hand.

Those spices? Put ’em in a bowl:


The exact amounts and proportions aren’t critical, but I generally go with 2:1:1:1 salt:pepper:garlic powder:granulated onion. Don’t put in the rosemary yet.

Mix in some olive oil:


Again, the exact amount isn’t important, but you can’t have too much.

Then, take your mixture and anoint yon bird:


Cover evenly. You can use a brush or something if you’re all fancy like.

Then throw some rosemary up on there:


You’re done! Throw in the oven for 60-90 minutes at 350F. Ovens lie, so you’ll have to keep an eye on your first one. You want the skin golden brown and the internals to about 160-170F.

It’ll look like this:


For best results, let it stand for 10 minutes or so before carving. For sides, you can toss some diced potatoes and onions in the same spice and olive oil mixture you used on the chicken and roast on the same pan for about 45-60 minutes. It goes well with a salad or some steamed veggies if you’re super lazy. I like a sweet white wine with this like a Moscato.


Look at that. LOOK! Are you not hungry? The meat cooks up tender and super juicy, and the skin is like chicken candy bacon. If I didn’t have to feed 3 other humans off this, I could stand there and eat the whole thing from the pan.

Life’s too short to eat crappy food. Get out of Applebee’s and cook yourself something awesome.

{ 4 } Comments

  1. Tam | February 18, 2013 at 7:13 am | Permalink

    Life’s too short to eat crappy food. Get out of Applebee’s and cook yourself something awesome.

    I’m a pretentious foodie douchebag hipster snob who’d rather eat roadkill than Applebee’s, but even that amount of cooking looked an awful lot like work…

    Thank God I live in Broad Ripple! :D

  2. pdb | February 18, 2013 at 7:59 am | Permalink

    C’mon. This particular one took me all of 15 minutes of prep time because I was taking pictures. If the bird is fresh or thawed, I can get it in the oven in 5 minutes flat. Then an hour of playing video games and dinner’s up!

  3. Xman | February 18, 2013 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    “See all this junk inside the carcass? Throw it out. ”

    Or boil it all in a small pot of water and piece it out over your dogs’ kibble for a few days.

  4. pignock | February 20, 2013 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    More like this please. I haven’t cooked since I got married (15 years) and wife is starting to comment on the disparity of domestic workloads.
    If I could find more recipes like this, I might remember how to boil H2O.

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